february 74: pain killer delivery because of remaining pains after oral surgery (impacted wisdom tooth): "the doorbell rang and i went, and there stood this girl with black hair and large eyes...she handed me the medication (Darvon) and i tried to think what to say to her; i noticed, then, a fascinating gold necklace around her neck and i said "what is that, it certainly is beautiful", just, you see, to find something to say to hold her there. the girl indicated the major figure in it, which was a fish. "this is a sign used by the early christians", she said, and then departed." eventually, the first sequence of visions start the same day, triggering past lives and genetic memories. the feeling to be immortal as a spiritual entity: "the fish sign causes you to remember. remember what? this is gnostic. your celestial origins; this has to do with the DNA because the memory is located in the DNA (phylogenic memory). very ancient memories, predating life are triggered off. you remember your real nature. which is to say, origins (from the stars). DIE ZEIT IST DA! the gnostic gnosis: you are here in a world in a thrown condition, but you are not OF this world."

speculations:

• looking for "disinhibiting canditates"
• psychosis from IRS manipulation
• vitamins+fish
• anamnesis
• possession by his friend, the late bishop archer
• AI voice

"because of the IRS (internal revenue service) i suffered total psychosis in 2- 74, was taken over by one or more archetypes." the increasing paranoia concerning the CIA proves to be as not unfounded. in 1975, through the freedom of information act dick finds out that a letter he had written to a soviet scientist had been intercepted by the CIA.

adoption of term "anamnesis"(plato) for describing the experience of eternal truths/the world of ideas, within ourselves. possible trigger: "the combination of the pentothal and the golden fish sign - the latter may have acted hypnotically: the combination of the metal and the sunlight."

dicks new dual consciousness: the Homoplasmate - symbiosis of human with an information-rich plasmate lifeform, eventually programmed in him by the age of four. ancient/phylogenic memories reveal the roman world, ca. 1st century a.d. (period of the book of acts/peak of gnostic activity), COEXISTING with our modern world. as if linear time is illusion and true time layered: simultaneous realities stack one upon the other, visible to the opened mind. "when i saw the golden fish-sign in 2-74 i remembered the world of acts-i remembered it to be my real time & place. so i am (esse/sum) simon reborn and not in 2-74 or 3-74 but all my life. i must face it. i was simon but had amnesia, but then in 2-74 experienced anamnesis."

variations of the ancient personages he became: Simon Magus, gnostic Thomas, first century christian (possible faked by a thought control implant of the u.s. army intelligence) Firebright, spiritual force/entity of light

nightmares: "flying monsters with horses necks (dragons)" swooping down on pkd who lives with an prehistoric tribe. metempsychosis with the cat. tessa dick remembers:* cries+prays: "Libera me Domine."

he experiments with high dosages of vitamins, result:"both of the hemispheres came on together for the first time in my life."

phosphene afterimages are caused by fish-stickers on the window during sunshine.

march 74: visions intensifying: "then...while lying in bed unable to sleep for the fifth night in a row,... i suddenly began seeing whirling lights which moved away in such a fast speed - abd where instantly replaced - that they forced me into total wakefulness. for almost eight hours i continued to see these frightening vortexes of light, if that´s the word; they spun around and around, and moved away in incredible speed. what was most painful was the rapidity of my thoughts, which seemed to synchronize with the lights, it was as if i were moving, and the lights standing still - i felt as if i were racing along at the speed of light, no longer lying beside my wife in our bed... one week later...this time i saw perfectly formed abstract paintings, which i later identified from art books as being of the type Kandinsky developed. there were literally hundreds and thousands of them; they replaced each other at dazzling speed...i did recognize the styles of Paul Klee and one or two of Picassos various periods...so i spent over eight hours enjoying one of the most beautiful and exciting and moving sights i´ve ever seen, conscious that it was a miracle...i was not the author of these graphics. the number alone proved that. in the following days i felt that i must have been the involuntary recipient of an ESP experiment...i knew the dazzling graphics had come to me from outside myself; i sensed that they contained information and somehow i was to respond. for over a month i sought ways for responding. i even wrote an ESP-lab in Leningrad, asking if they were involved in the long-range transmissions by ESP in modern art graphics. no response...i am sure someone living was trying to communicate with me. i was sure it came from above - maybe from the sky. especially the stars; i began to go outdoors at night to watch the stars, with the strong impression that information was coming from them." letter july 74 he terms these visions as "phosphene graphics" and presumes that they indicate an external source to bestow. "my first stage of the experience was to undergo the Bardo Thödol journey and was then suddenly surprised to find myself confronting Aphrodite, whoe Empedokles believed to be the generative principle of all life, of all love and the formation of krasis oder gestalts in the universe, as opposed to the principle of strife. what this meant i didn´t know at the time." many encounters with these divine female aspects will follow in hypnogogic states and dreams through a voice that he calls the AI voice and to which he refers to as the feminie deities Artemis/Diana, Athena/Minerva, Saint Sophia - Holy Wisdom, the goddess of gnosticism and to twin sister Jane with whom he is eventually in telepathic contact. "march 16 1974: it appeared - in vivid fire, in shining colours and vivid fire - and released me from every thrall, inner and outer. march 18 1974: It, from inside me, looked out and saw that the world did not compute, that i - and it - had been lied to. it denied the reality and power, and authenticity, of the world, saying, "this cannot exist. it cannot exist." march 20 1974: it seized me entirely, lifting me from the limitations of the space-time matrix; it mastered me as, at the same instant, i knew that the world around me was a cardboard, a fake. through its power i saw suddenly the universe as it was; through its power of perception i saw what really existed; and through its power of no-thought decision i acted to free myself. it took on in battle, as a champion of all human spirits in thrall, every evil, every Iron Imprisoning Thing." march 75

xerox missive on march 20 - the action by which Dick frees himself is his handling of what he calls the "xerox missive". confirmedly, he has been anticipating for around a week a letter that would "kill" him. when it arrives, he gives it first to tessa dick to read, not wanting to see it, to let its content be summarized by her. tessa recalls: "certain words in the article were underlined, some in red and some in blue. all were what phil called 'die messages'. words like decline, decay, stagnation, decomposition. the book, it seems, was about the decline and fall of american capitalism. there was a return adress on the envelope, a hotel in new york, but no name. as if phil ought to know who had sent it, and as if he ought to write back to them." "I cooperated fully with my oppressors. there was nofurther degree to which I could be turned around - I went all the way, due to the override, and experienced a sense of 1) having done the right thing for god & country; 2) a total loss of anxiety, of exculpation (naturally)...I literally narked on myself!...

information from the future (transmitted from sirius) "the most eerie and yet the same time the most valid proof of what had happened were my continuing experiences while asleep. soon after the eight hour show of dazzling graphics i began to have what i do not think of dreams, since they are not as any dreams i´ve ever had or even read about." letter july 74 he believes that the information they contain have been subliminally encoded during the march 18 graphics display. "i was hoping for increased neural efficiency. i got more: actual information about the future, for during the next 3 months (from march on) almost each night during sleep i was receiving information in the form of printouts: words and sentences, letters and names and numbers - sometimes whole pages, sometimes in the form of writing paper and holographic writing, sometimes oddly in the form of a babys cereal box on which all sorts of quite meaningful information was written and typed, and finally galley proofs held up for me to read which i was told in my dream "contained prophecies about the future" and during the last weeks a huge book, again and again, with page after page of printed lines." letter june 74 he begins a research on tachyons. the dreams seldom offer clear guidance. the information comes often in non sequitur language fragments or integer sequences. fragments and words are in SANSKRIT or KOINE GREEK (poros krater/limestone bowl, crypte morphosis/latent shape, rhipidos/fan). Askleipos, the god of healing, PKD therefore believes is his instructor. Fomalhaut/Albemuth he associates with Sirius, from which the information may have been transmitted.

dreams of three eyed beings "in march 74 at the time he encountered god (more properly ZEBRA), ha had experienced vivid dreams about the three eyed people. he had told me that. they manyfested themselves as cyborg entities: wrapped up in glass bubbles staggering under masses of technological gear. an odd aspect cropped up that both puzzled fat and me. sometimes in these visionlike dreams, soviet technicicans could be seen, hurrying to repair malfunctions of the sophisticated technological communications apparatus enclosing the three eyed people." VALIS pkd identifies their third eye with the wisdom-ajna-eye of hinduism/buddhism, explores the possibility that they were aliens of a superior intelligence who have, by means of satellite-fired information beams, contacted him, and concludes: "by now he (fat) had totally lost touch with reality".VALIS

the golden rectangle "what i was seeing now was a door, proportioned by the by the measure which the greeks had called the golden rectangle, which they had considered the perfect geometric form. i repeatedly saw this door, marked with letters of the greek alphabet, projected onto natural formations that resembled it: a dictionary stand, a basalt block, a speaker cabinet. and one time, astonishingly, i had seen pinky(the cat) pressing outward from beyond the door into our world, only not as he had been: much larger, more fierce, like a tiger, and most of all, filled to bursting with life and health...Brady glimpsed beyond the door: a static landscape, nocturnal, a quite black sea, sky, the edge of an island, and, surprisingly, the unmoving figure of a nude woman standing on the sand at the edge of the water. i had recognized the woman. it was Aphrodite. i had seen photographs of greek and roman statues of her. the proportions, the beauty and sensuality, could not be mistaken." Radio free Albemuth "if it (my unconscious) shows me the golden rectangle it does so in order to calm me with the ultimate esthetically balanced sight. it has a firm therapeutic purpose. there is a utilization for all its abstract material for genuine purposes, for m , by and large. it is a tutor to me...i sense Apollo in this, which is consistent, since the cumaen sybil was his oracle. moderation, reasonability, balanca are Apollos virtues, the clearheaded, the rational. Syntosis(selfharmony)." E74

Christophers almost fatal inguinal hernia predicted august 1974 following corrective surgery necessary after one of his violent outbreaks, that has led to a separated shoulder, pkd is informed by the pink light that his son Christopher suffers from an potentially fatal INGUINAL HERNIA. the diagnosis is CONFIRMED by their physician and corrective surgery is performed in october. "i am thinking back. sitting with my eyes shut i´m listening to "strawberry fields forever". i get up. i open my eyes because the lyrics speak of "going through life with my eyes closed". i look toward the window. light blinds me, suddenly my head aches. my eyes close & i see that strange strawberry ice cream pink. at the same instant knowledge is transferred to me. i go into the bedroom where Tessa is changing Chrissy & and i recite what has been conveyed to me: that he has an undetected birth defect& must be taken to the doctor at once & scheduled for surgery. this turns out to be true. what happened? what communicated with me? i could read & understand the secret messages "embedded within the inferior bulk" (quotation from gnostic text). E77 "god talked to me through a beatles tune...a random assortment of trash, blown by the wind, and there is god. bits and pieces swept together to form a unity." E80 but: "the beam of light fired at my head..., is, i have always believed deep down underneath, not god, but technology. and technology from the future at that." E81 at a visit Thomas Dischs suggestes that 2-3-74 resembled the ENTHUSIASMOS of prophecy, as when one is filled with the spirit of Elijah, an idea that Dick adaptes enthusiastically.

annus mirabilis*

overview 1975 "this is not an evil world, as Mani (founder of Manichaeanism, which equates earthly matters with evil) supposed. there is a good world under the evil. the evil is somehow superimposed over it.(Maya) and when stripped away, pristine glowing creation is visible. one day, the contents of my mind until they ceased being concepts and became percepts. i did not have concepts about the world*

in 1976

 scepsis: self-interview
 q: what about the resemblance to my writing? 
 a: the content was originally in my unconscious, e.g. "tears"&"ubik".
 q: what about external events? the girl? the letters?
 a: coincidence.
 q: & the written material? huge books held open?
 a: verbal memory.
 q: why would i believe that my senses were enhanced i.e. i could see for the 
 first time?
 a: psychotomimetic drugs indicates this happens in psychosis.
 q: & kosmos? everything fitting together?
 a: "spread of meanings" typical of psychosis.
 q: foreign words i don´t know?
 a: long term memory banks open. disgorging their contents into consciousness.
 q: problems solving i.e. xerox missive?
 a: there was no problem; it was harmless.
 q: why the sense of time dysfunction?
 a: disorientation.
 q: why the sense that the mind which had taken me over was wiser than me &  more 
 calpable?
 a: release of psychic energy.
 q: if 2-3-74 was psychosis, then what was the ego state which it obliterated? 
 a: neurotic. or mildly schizophrenia(sic). under stress the weak ego 
 disintegrated.
 q: then how could the phobias associated with my anxiety neurosis remain e.g. 
 agoraphobia?
 a: it doesn´t compute. something is wrong. they should have gone away or become 
 totally overwhelming. the impaired ego must have still been intact.
 q: was my "dissociated" behaviour (e.g. the xerox missive, diagnosis of sons 
 hernia) bizarre?
 a: no, they were problem solving. it doesn´t compute.
 q: perhaps there were no real problems
 a: not so. it was tax time.
 ...
 a: then the enigma remains.
 q: we have learned nothing.
 a: nothing.
 q: after finishing listening to the tape do you have any intuition or guess as 
to 
 who or what the VALIS-mind is?
 a: yes. it is female. it is on the other side - the post mortem world. it has 
 been with me all my life. it is my twin sister Jane...the other psyche i carry 
 inside me is that of my dead sister.

PS: the trauma of twin-sister janes death. "i can only be safe when sheltered by a woman. why? safe against what? what enemies, dangers? it is that i fear i will simply die. my breath, my heart will stop. i will expire like an exposed baby. jane, it happened to you and i´m still afraid it will happen to me. they can´t safe us." journal entry 71 November 16 1928: Philip Kindred and his fraternal twin-sister Jane Charlotte are born six weeks, prematurely in chicago, emerald avenue. Philip, weighing 4 1/4 pounds, twenty minutes ahead of jane, weighing 3 1/2 pounds. the mother Dorothy is not prepared for such difficult circumstances, and also lacked the milk needed to nourish two premature infants, so both of them get during the following months close to death by malnutrition. when the mother accidently burns Janes leg with a hot water bottle, both are taken two the hospital by a nurse on January 26 1929. "she came with a doctor in a taxi, with a heated crib, and the doctor said at once that Jane would have to be taken to the hospital. the she asked to see "the other baby". i went to get you... the doctor and the nurse left with both babies; Jane died on the way to the hospital; you were put into the incubatorand given a special formula...you were within a day or so of death, but you began to gain at once, and when you weighed 5 pounds i was able to take you home. i could visit you every day in the incubator, and during the periods i was there i was given instruction in making up the very complicated formula." Dorothys august 75 letter to Dick. Dick now shares the same grave with his sister Jane in Fort Morgan, Colorado.

-- Xdv.joe - 02 Mar 2004
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